The names have been changed to protect those who have failed up.

Enjoy:

Linda & Lauren: “Dave, did you fill out this form?”
Dave: “Which one?”
Linda: “This one here. The one for a new cost code.”
Dave: “Yes.”
Lauren: “Why?”
Dave: “Steve asked me to, in order to track additional services on the Big Money job.”
Linda: “Steve did? Why?”
Dave: “In order to track additional services on the Big Money job.”
Linda: “Oh. Well did you know there is a process for this form?”
Dave: “Not exactly. Can you tell me what it is?”
Lauren & Linda: “No, not really. I don’t know what it is.”
Linda: “Hey Steve, did you ask Dave to fill out this form?”
Steve: “Which one?”
Linda: “The one for a new cost code.”
Steve: “Yes.”
Linda: “Did anyone explain to Dave that there’s a process for this form?”
Steve: “I don’t know. Dave, did anyone explain this to you?”
Dave: “No, not yet.”
Steve: “Linda, please explain to Dave how to fill out this form.”
Linda: “I don’t know how to do it, Project Leaders usually do this.”
Steve: “But it says Accounting on it. Shouldn’t you know how to do it?”
Linda: “It only says Accounting in the CC list. Project Leaders are supposed to fill it out and give it to their supervisor first.”
Dave: “So I’m supposed to fill it out and give to Steve first?”
Linda: “Yes.”
Steve: “Well not exactly. Brian or Tom should look at it first.”
Linda: “And then you sign it?”
Steve: “Sometimes. Actually any one of us could sign it.”
Dave: “Okay, got it. So since this one is already filled out, could you sign it Steve?”
Steve: “No, you’d better go through Brian or Tom.”
Linda: “And then does the PM make copies for Accounting and distribute it?”
Steve: “No. Project Control does that.”
Dave: “Got it. So I’ll give this form to Brian or Tom and then to Project Control to give to Accounting.”
Steve: “Right.”
Linda: “Okay. So I’ll look for this form from Dave.”
Dave: “You mean Project Control?”
Linda: “Oh, right.”

I was at a bar listening to a friend’s date talk about “The Hockey Tickets” guy, a financial player whose main reputation was for being the guy that could always get you great seats to the game.

The friend’s date is a New York native with many connections to the financial markets, so his story seemed innocuous and commonplace. Mid-level to high-up managers buying some attention from contacts through a friendly version of ticket brokering is a smart, fairly innocent way to get some notice in a rat race environment. There are worse things you could do to be put first in line for a promotion.

Well, that practice is innocuous only if you are qualified for the jobs you’re being promoted to and you’re using the gained power for good and not petty political fights. So imagine my reaction when it turns out “hockey ticket guy” was Hank Paulson.

Yeah, THAT Hank Paulson.

The guy that let Lehman Brothers fail.

Say what you will about the guy’s actions as he oversaw the US financial collapse (blameworthy vs. hero). Either way, I don’t think you want the guy who is best known for handing out hockey tickets to run the show.

Forgive me if this seems to be taking a turn towards Bush-bashing (cause we really do try to stay politically neutral here), but isn’t this the kind of thing that was the hallmark of the Bush presidency: hiring people unqualified for a job because they have a friendly reputation, the right political initial next to their name, and good seats to the game?

When will we learn that qualifications matter?

Shiny new things boss: He’s too interested in making the people around (read: above) him think he’s smart and insightful, so you’re forced to chase every new idea that crosses his path… no matter how much it doesn’t relate to your team’s job, your team’s strategy, or your team’s plan.

Remember the bar scene from “Good Will Hunting?” Shiny-New-Things Boss is the blond guy Will schools at the bar. Remember when Will points out what a sheep the guys is?

Will: Of course that’s your contention. You’re a first year grad student. You just finished some Marxian historian, Pete Garrison prob’ly and so naturally that’s what you believe until next month when you get to James Lemon and get convinced that Virginia and Pennsylvania were strongly entrepreneurial and capitalist back in 1740. That’ll last until sometime in your second year, then you’ll be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood about the Pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization.

A couple other notes on Shiny New Things Boss:

1. They’re hard to spot… at least, at first they are hard to spot. Sometimes chasing a shiny new thing is a good idea. Some people call it innovation. But, when every random comment by a higher-up becomes a call-to-action, something is wrong. Looks like boss-man is trying to look like he has ideas even though he ran dry a long time ago.

2. You may not be high enough on the food chain to have experienced Shiny New Things Boss directly. Middle management guys have to deal with them a lot more than the common folk. If you suspect the VP of your group is a Shiny New Things Boss and you’ve never had to deal with stupid new ideas, go buy your immediate manager a beer.  He or she has probably been blocking for you and deserves major kudos for doing so.

Shiny Things photo courtesy Today Is A Good Day.

Why didn’t I think of this?

A walk down the hall to see if you had completed a task would take too much effort.

If he called, he’d have to actually communicate with you.

One well thought out, clearly written email wasn’t going to do it either.

What you are going to get is a micromanager who keeps tabs on you via email. Whatever personality flaw your boss has is amplified as he keeps tab on your every move, every call, every thought via his handheld.  (One can only imagine how the lyrics to “I’ll be watching you” might have changed had Sting been the owner of a Blackberry in the 80s.)

Of course, as we’ve established, our manager has no actual managerial skills — communicators need not apply. So the constant emails checking in our your increasingly horrid world can’t really be considered sentences. Well not English, really. The emails come in baby snippets. Half thoughts. Non-punctuated brain barf on a computer screen.  A Tweet would make more sense than this.

You’re getting baited into a game of email ping pong.

Don't let micromanagers happen to you!

Example: A boss who fails up by definition will be doing favors for every person he can that exists up the food chain. Inevitably, that means he’s going to pass these favors on to you to execute.  Often, you get to hire an unqualified person that’s friends with the boss’s boss. Email ping pong happens a lot because of this. Witness:

He emails: “Did you hire her?”

You: “Yes.” I had no choice, you fire-breathing heathen. You sign my paycheck.

Him: “doing?”

You: The only thing I could think of her to do since she has no skills — surf the Internet. Whatever I tell you probably isn’t going to be right — I should probably just not answer. If I don’t answer, he’ll hold it against me. Crap. “She’ll be aggregating relevant blog content for our communications office.”

Him: “no bloggers”

You: Well, what the *&^% does that mean? Fire her now? Give her my job? Oh God. He probably wants me to give her my job. I shouldn’t write anything back. He’ll just write something else. Stay silent. Stay silent. Crap. What if he really wants me to get rid of her. Write something innocuous. “The blog isn’t that kind of blog. It’s our main online communications vehicle with our customers.”

Him: “blog editor”

You: WHAT? I don’t even know what that means!! Maybe if I don’t respond he won’t notice.

Email ping pong: the creator of headaches and sweaty hands since the first Blackberry hit the market.  Ugh.

Photo courtesy: Shocker Photo

You’ve seen brown nosers growing up. They seem harmless enough. A little compliment never hurt, right? Johnny tells teacher she looks nice today and everyone leaves school homework free. That’s cool.

Then it just starts to be…annoying. Johnny gets the hot girl cause he sweet talks her even though he’s talking total crap.

By the time you get to the workplace, the brown noser has turned into a professional. There is no project he doesn’t get. There isn’t a promotion he isn’t granted. No one at the top seems to notice he can’t doing anything except tell the boss how great he is, but no bother. He doesn’t bug the big man so the big boss puts the brown noser in charge.

Now, he’s your boss.

Now he’s got power and something to lose. And he’s got no skills… except kissing up. And that skill will take him to the top.

Watch out. You’re about to witness what happens when someone fails up.